LOWER EAST SIDE - With the rising popularity of upscale living communities such as Landmark and Zaragon Place, the University of Michigan plans to serve incoming freshmen by building a hotel.

 

Ze South Parallelogram will open its doors to freshman beginning in Fall 2014 after an estimated $60 million reconstruction. The “dormtel” is rumored to offer special services, such as on site laundry women, unlimited room service, and free weekly spa visits.

 

“It actually makes sense when you think about it,” pondered LSA sophomore Markus Miller. “My outrageous out-of-state tuition has to go somewhere. I’d definitely rather have it go to housing for incoming freshmen rather than scholarships for me.”

 

Ze South Parallelogram is also rumored to have a 5 star restaurant on the first floor. “I heard that they are hiring that guy from Top Chef to lead the new dining hall,” said Markus. “I think it’s also going to have a build your own froyo section. It will be a great place to pick up girls.”
 
The new dormtel will allegedly serve primarily athletes. The athletic department was reported as pushing the South Quad renovation to provide more benefits for student athletes because the free books, wardrobe, mopeds, $200,000 education, and eternal campus fame really isn’t enough.
 
Contrary to popular belief regarding the new dormtel, North Campus will still house over 40% of incoming freshmen who will consequently attempt to take a cheese grater to their computer screen and eventually their eyeballs upon the discovery that they will living in Bursley. University’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) is currently considering relocation to North Campus to better suit student’s needs.