SKEEPS – This week, the University of Michigan Central Student Government finalized a new weekend bus route to serve thousands of intoxicated undergraduates. The route, which runs from 10 pm to 3 am Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, is estimated to become the most used resource that CSG has ever provided the student body.
 
Fraternities at the University of Michigan have come together with UM Central Student Government by providing monetary support to make the bus route a reality. Austin Bowersox, Engineering sophomore, feels that it will improve the overall atmosphere at his fraternity house, which lies directly on the new route. “When it’s cold out, girls tend to wear more clothes,” stated Austin. “If they have the option to take a bus to our house instead of walking, they will definitely trade in pants for skirts!”
 
Rachel Blackburn, LSA junior, is ecstatic about the new route. “Now I can buy three extra drinks at the bar from all the money I’m saving on cabs!”
 
However the new route is causing major anxiety for cab drivers. “We make 90% of our money by taking undergraduates to and from fraternities and bars,” expressed Mike the Cab Guy. “I don’t know how we can compete with a free bus.”  Several cab drivers have reportedly looked into packing up their cabs and moving to East Lansing.
 
The new route is rumored to have an even larger impact on the student body than the late night Commuter North bus, commonly known by Bursley residents as the “Vomit Comet”, because fifty times as many students live in Central Campus neighborhoods than on North Campus. Reported nicknames for the new route have been narrowed down to “the Hurl Mobile”, “the Puke Shute”, and “Da Gaggin’ Wagon”.
 
Meanwhile, the Safe Ride option provided by the University, which is a free ride option for students feeling unsafe on campus, will remain in effect. Estimated Safe Ride losses as a result of the new bus route include dropping from a staggering five rides per month to 3 rides per month.